One Story

Inter-Species Solutions

I

A friend of mine from the West Coast once mentioned that he had a purebred family living in his guesthouse. Before I could even ask him what he meant, his daughter also moved into his guesthouse and I quickly realized that they too were ‘integrated’ animal-human hybrids or ‘coyote people,’ complete with hind legs, feral eyes, and even a skinny tail. I was offered a ‘traditional hybrid meal’ which consists of boiled carrion, an assortment of mosquitoes and flies, and French onion soup ‘for good measure,’ I was told. The meal was meticulously prepared and not a moment was wasted as this was not just mealtime; it was a strategic refueling. We drank puddle water out of pint glasses. It had rained the night before. After supper, we all discussed the Federal Reserve. My friend’s daughter began diving into future interest rates and fiscal mismanagement. Future paths must include balance sheets. She knew more than my friend and I combined. I wasn’t surprised. Unlike other hybrids, human coyotes can speak perfect English and often have a surprising vocabulary. A human-coyote hybrid usually possesses the ability to manage finances for the rest of the hybrid community. Soon enough, when you go to H&R Block to do your taxes, you will see a feral coyote-human eager to take on the job! Just remember that every human coyote is different, so don’t expect every one of them to have such a keen eye for numbers.

II

I have a super clean graduate student currently living in my fire escape. Well, technically two, counting myself. We are both down here. Both of us are non-matriculated but course-intensive. We like what we like and that’s what we do. Enough of the silky stuff. Real talk. Gamers only. We play war games. We have long talks. We talk forever. There’s no conflict. There’s no cause for alarm. We’re still in school. What are the chances you’ve seen us? How do you expect us to care if you think we aren’t doing what we should be? How could we become what we were if we weren’t likely to become what we could be? The choices, although our very own, are miscalculated and without purpose. The purposes are convenient, untroubled, and always expected. Check your privilege. Check the place you last checked. My grievance is with the place, not what happened there. Feel your hands within the place they should have been. There is a milky place you can’t personify. A likely place you came to become immersed in. My graduation ceremony wasn’t canceled, it was postponed to a later date. The date was today so here you are celebrating my graduation with me. We did it. The three of us. Let’s drink. Let’s have drinks. Let’s raise the roof! Let’s have a toast! Raise your glass to the place you came from, and go back! Let’s go celebrate on the roof because it won’t be another fiscal year until we can go back inside.

III

A decent roommate is a rare species, most often an inconvenience, in my case no exception. My options and time were limited so I looked to the hybrid community for answers. The first detail I noticed about hybrids is that contrary to popular belief they do not prefer to live among each other and instead prefer thoroughbred humans for company. C’est la vie. As far as I am concerned, I do not have any coyote lineage, but you never know. Sometimes surprises exist where we least expect them. I was surprised to learn there were two coyote-hybrids on the board of trustees at my alma-mater. There were three initially, but one went to work for the coast guard after growing tired of the academic life. I get it. I’ve had to move around, which is why it’s been so hard to find someone dependable who isn’t just a random off Craigslist or Friendfinder. No, someone like that would not work at all. Also, I do not have the luxury of living on the West Coast or in New England, so options vary. Sometimes one has to cut their losses as an effort towards practicality. My friend from the West Coast introduced me to the surrogate coyote humans he knew via Skype and through their resources I met a coyote human who was living a mere fifteen miles away right by the Civic Center. “Love can never die,” was tattooed on their forearm in cursive script. We were off to an OK start.

IV

My new rule is no grad students in my fire escape or anywhere in my building. I have spoken to the superintendent and she agrees with me; hybrids work both smarter and harder than grad students. The super clean one who was living in my fire escape is now aware of the fact that he has to leave and he is admittedly scorned. I told him that I had taken him and his studies seriously and he merely replied, “Why do you think you can control the narrative?” Too much education. Every time I lay out the primary issue with him staying here he says I have “coopted the narrative” or I am attempting to bring in the more interesting hybrid character before I have made a proper introduction or resolution for his whiny antics. Every evening there are Sutter Home bottles in the hallway and he has been requesting to use the hallway supply closet to take sponge baths which he knows is both unacceptable and unsanitary. When he offers to share his Sutter Home with me I try to explain to him it isn’t even his wine! He has taken the supplies for the superintendent’s daughter’s spring jubilee, an event planned for several months. No more war games. No more sleeping on the fire escape. No more dialectic arguments with the day laborers who have been trying to fix the roof for over a year now despite this layabout in the fire escape, enough is enough. Time to clean up shop and circle back to the blonde district near the Science Center.

V

Hybrid living is sort of like van life; not all it is cracked up to be. My new hybrid roommate had a few ideas that made me even more uncomfortable than my last roommate. I was under the impression hybrids have ways to “cover up” their exposed areas with a loin cloth or a harness. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Within the first few hours, I was a mere inches away from my new hybrid roommate’s family jewels as he insisted on doing pilates in the common space while watching Nip/Tuck. Every morning the drain was also clogged because of the coarse hair from his tail. Each shower was over an hour long. The smell was too much. The water bill became unreasonable and I tried not to make a big deal at first but suddenly I found myself wading through inches of gray bathwater. Out of a strange passive-aggressive impulse, one day I allowed the water backflow to flood the entire bathroom while he was focused on his pilates. I scampered down my private balcony and watched from street view. He did nothing! The whole place flooded and this was completely normal to him. Up until this moment I hadn’t realized every mammal has a learning curve. Inter-special relations are not as simple as they appear from a tertiary glance. Property damage is very serious and can be held over your head for the rest of your life! Before making the same mistake I did, be sure to do some serious research and don’t just go along with the trends.

VI

Now that I have graduated, I can take some time to reflect. Through alumni services I have managed to stay in touch with the culture on campus and I have attended several functions. There was recently an adaptation of “Cat On A Hot Tin Roof,” that was full of some of the finest young coyote-hybrid castmates I have ever seen. They all shined in their different roles. Maggie was more beautiful than I ever remember, she hid her tail, while Brick just let his proudly flow. Of course, I have forgiven my old roommate for the damages he caused in our old living space. It turns out, having a skinny tail can be a hinderence no matter where you live, which you can watch in great detail on “Coyote Home Remodeling,” weeknights on HGTV. It turns out there are much bigger problems out there than a couple fixable holes in the wall. I wish I wasn’t so uptight back then. Live and learn, I guess. The world is so different from what it was when I began my degree. Hybrid studies are now all the rage! There is a whole program now focused on the future of human-hybrid relations—it’s history in the making. Support is finally here. That’s right! There are now several endowment programs set in place to put an emphasis for new coyote-friendly resources on campus. There is an option for eating “small mammals” in the cafeteria. There are also puddle water and river water options at the soda fountain. Yes, I have tried both, and I still prefer birch beer. Old habits die hard.

COYOTE-HYBRID CAST STUNS AUDIENCE IN UNIVERSITY TENNESSEE WILLIAMS ADAPTATION

The cast and crew of “Cat On A
Hot Tin Roof,” comprised of six
all coyote-human hybrid cast-
mates, brought tears and standing
ovation to audiences this Saturday.
‘We’re extremely proud of the way
this show turned out, but this
group always seems to impress us
and remind us why we are here,’
said Faculty Advisor Betty Preston.
The production took place at
Tribunal University, and was
directed by former student actor
and current drama instructor
Justin House (52) who recently
accepted a Jimmy award for last
year’s outstanding production of
Neil Simon’s “Sweet Charity.”
This is the first fully “Hybrid”
stage production we have seen
so far from the team at Tribunal.
“It’s only left us wanting more,”
remarked sophomore Julian SMITH.”

THEATRE REVIEW 9-18-25, AP

∩

Alex Hampshire (born 1985) is a coyote enthusiast as well as the author of Furniture Activism (hysterically real), Techno Pest Management, Law Culture, Charity/Extortion, National Water (Lunar Chandelier), Red Light Camera Ahead (CWD), Appreciate The Pre-Decisions (New Books), and the upcoming full-length Have Fun Pretending, which will be available later this month from The Creative Writing Department. He oversees the newly established imprint Waste Management. His work has appeared in Fence, Clock, Boxx, DaisyWorld, Gerry Mulligan, Death and Life of American Cities, Elective Affinities, Baited Area, New Hunter’s Review, Gauss PDF, and other publications.