One Poem
The Angriest Dog in the World
Forgot to lock front door—again. Left car keys in an old coat. Dropped mail down recycling chute. Carved the wrong turkey. Stepped in chewing gum. Flossed too hard. Neglected to cancel online therapy session. Broke handle off ceramic mug. Spilled chili oil on carpet. Cut hand trying to open package of batteries. Checked autorenew by mistake. Cordless mouse stopped clicking.
Lightbulb dimming. Ants around the bed. Bird shit on bedroom window. Arugula turned black. Neighbor took up flute. Dryer malfunctioning. Torn Achilles tendon. Umbrella in fragments. Reprimanded on work slack. Pothos looks a little wilty. Bumped head. “Delivered” yet gone missing. Train not running after 9pm on weekends. Card cancelled due to suspicious activity.
Stolen bike tire. Stolen bike seat. Smudged earwax on brand new book page. Hole in sock. Sink clogged with coconut oil. Unknown blot on camera lens. Last page on calendar. Kicked a dead rat. Ate a bad orange. Bit the dust. Bought the farm. Passed over for second interview. Empty ice tray. Decapitated by collapsing scaffold. Street debris flung in eye.
Missing tomatoes from the market. Discovered wire-tapping. Gangstalking. Skull crunched by bear. Surf trip cancelled. Unflattering profile in regional magazine. Ingrown hair. Leaky transmission. Toenail broke off. Ass carbuncle. Ran the corner too quickly. Credit score dropped seven points. Stepmom’s fish died. Salmon patties freezer burned. Got lost on the trail when supposed to be leading.
Wolves chewed legs off. Beanie in puddle. Neglected to attach email attachment. Ear infection. Last match. Chapped lips. Ghosted when they joined the ashram. Allergic reaction to date’s cat. Bloody cuticles—can’t stop biting. Flu after flu shot. Rank sink sponge. Left eye stopped working. Brains hanging out. Crushed by falling deck chair. Scared of my own shadow.
Claustrophobic episode at the planetarium. Vertigo at the skating rink. Suicidal ideation in the hall of miniatures. Pee shy. Unshakeable halitosis. Ash on slacks. Bad trip sitter. Not streaming in my country. Sibling says she hates me. Worryingly high cortisol. Soy sensitivity. Friend break up. Text left as read. Letter from the tax service. Low balance notice. Chased by irate uber driver.
Boss calling for the third time. Recycling can overflowing again. Record scratched. Misread invoice. Illegible PDF. Beaten in a van. Author bio filled with typos. Child screaming on the bus. 101.3 fever. Right ear swollen. Failed state. Lapsed loan payment. Joke ignored at happy hour. Pen leaked. Monitor flickering. Trapped in tanning booth. Tongue lobbed off with katana.
Botched fraud. Fell into bottomless pit. Fell into pit of snakes. Fell into pit of syringes. Jaw ripped off by torture device. Flattened by zamboni. Spaghettified in a black hole. Boiled in a geyser. Little scratch on eyeglass lens. Eyebrows shaved off while sleeping. Xbox run over by dad’s lawnmower. Hoodie bleached at laundromat. Revenge porn racket—again. Slapdash enema. Memecoin crash. Foot run over by cab.
Bad kisser on third date. Dirty bomb terrorist attack. Lost in the woods until starvation. Caught jumping turnstiles. Caught drinking on the job. Late for important work meeting. Disregarded final exam. Sold shares too soon. Shot to death. Burned to death. Slipped on ice. Overcharged at the bodega. Quiz timed out. Frayed cord. Grey pube. Butt dial. Pecker turning blue. Bacne.
Promotion overlooked. Raise denied. Claim denied. Groped by assistant manager. Knifed in the back. Overdosed dying patient with liquid morphine. Fender bender—again. Underwhelming birthday. Invisible paper cut. All limbs amputated. Kept in a bag. Lived in a bucket. Wore a curtain. Entire family exploded in front of me. Self-immolated to protest government corruption but no one “got it”.
Forgot PIN. Grass stains. End of foil roll. End of deadline extension. Cessation of benefits. Curtain rod keeps falling. Adblocker blocked. Union busted. Crabs. Loose tooth. Hanging on by a thread. Stripped screw. Assembly instructions not included. Tickets sold out. Reassigned to the nosebleed section. Stuffed in the back of the plane like a sardine. Projectile baby vomit. Bet on wrong horse.
Kicked in the face by soccer player. Torn crotch in jeans. Grease splotch on cashmere sweater. Discovered adoption papers. Banned from the casino. Tied up and stabbed with hot pokers. Damned to hell by street preacher. Scammed by one-armed locksmith—again. CTE after years of professional play. Bluff called. Mind blanked. Nurse talked so quietly had to ask “what” three times.
Behavioral center burned. Christmas market arsoned. Conveniently-located ATM molotoved. Second favorite essayist cancelled. Another legacy sequel. Screenplay draft rotting on shelf. Didn’t mean to buy lowfat. Overlooked for prize nomination. Absent from guest list. Castrated by the pope in a nightmare. Sliced like a ham. Slapped in a daydream. Punched in kidney by parkour artist.
Blast waves—again. Cooking rut. Collapsed lung. First round in the negative. Mangled tennis racket. Ossified pinky. Endless leg cramp. Spasms. Sneezing fits. Little blood in cough. Jumped the curb. Curbstomped. Dragged into the sewers. Allergic to stone fruit. Out of paperclips. One-ply toilet paper. Ice sculpture melted before finishing. Rube Goldberg machine lacking one crucial domino.
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Barrett White edited Tagvverk. Frantic Gesture, a new publishing project, will debut this year.